Introducing…Poptart! She’s our newest advice columnist with a knack for telling other people how to live their lives. Is she some kind of dating expert? A love guru? A (ugh) sexpert? We can’t say for sure. All we know is that she’s seen her fair share of heartbreak and left (perhaps more than) her fair share of broken men behind. She’s got sass for days and will always give her honest opinion, no matter how brash. If you don’t like her answers, hey, that’s totally cool. These things aren’t set in stone. Think of Poptart as your new saucy friend who won’t be afraid to slap you in the face with reality. So friends, ask away.
Hi PopTart,
Any advice for how to start a long distance relationship with someone? We text every day but right now we’re just friends. I am crazy for her; do I just find a reason to visit? I do not want to screw this up, as tricky as it will be to keep up.
Signed,
Yes, I Know All Evidence Suggests This Is Doomed From The Start
Dear Doomed,
Start a long distance relationship? As in you’re not even IN a relationship with this person? Yes. You are doomed from the start. And frankly, kind of insane.
First of all, long distance relationships are for the birds. The birds, sir. Do you have wings? Feathers? Do you fly around in the sky and take white poops on cars? No, you do not. Of course there are (rare) instances when these relationships can work out. Basically, two things are necessary to make a successful long distance relationship, and they must coincide: 1) you are both stupidly head over heels in love BEFORE you try long distance and 2) there’s an end in sight. By end, I don’t mean an end of the relationship, I mean end of long distance, i.e. your girlfriend is stationed somewhere for six months but is definitely returning, you got a summer internship in New York City but are coming back to your boring small town come fall, you’re going to rehab again but this time it’s only for 30 days, etc.
Even in these rare cases, let’s be honest: It’s still a bad idea. Most likely, one of the partners will be up to something the other may not be too pumped about. If both are good, sexless, faithful little creatures… well, good for them! But wow is that terrible news for everyone who has to hang out with the sex-starved love birds. I’ve had friends with faraway significant others. You know what became of these people? Good question. No one knows; everyone had to stop speaking to them because all they wanted to do was talk about their boyfriend in Seattle or whatever lame city and leave every fun party early to have Skype sex. Or worse—just plain old Skype.
If you don’t heed my warnings and are still crazy enough to try and nab this long-distance hottie, you could “find a reason to visit” and make your proposal to her in person. But be warned, that could backfire and it will be super awkward if she turns you down. Maybe she won’t, but “texting every day” doesn’t exactly constitute a burning love on her end.
Tell her over the phone, if you must tell her at all. I know it’s less personal, but if you want to date her long-distance, you best get used to phone calls. She can think it over without you there, which is appropriate because that’s going to the bulk of your relationship.
I don’t know you, but I do know long distance relationships are crap. And a terrible way to start something. You’re going to miss out on all the fun stuff people are supposed to do when they’re “falling in love.” Really, the only good thing about starting something with someone long distance is this: If she turns out to be a raging psycho, you can call it quits and never worry about running into her as you’re leaving the bar with a new gal two days later.
Good luck. And I’m here should you need any other bad ideas shut down. Or a friend to play Bananagrams with. I’m great at Bananagrams.
Kisses and hugs,
Poptart
Drop some knowledge.