“The world is ending,” shouted one Dispatch Staffer upon hearing the news that Portland is flooding. Uh oh, we all thought, before going back to what we were doing (contemplating lunchtime options, chugging coffee, looking up zombie survival skills online) but underneath our blasé attitudes, you could feel a shiver go through the air. What if Armageddon really does come this Friday? What if the machines rise up to kill us all? Or the oceans sweep our peninsula out to sea? What if—horror of horrors—we die hungry, empty of stomach and sad of soul?
Don’t let that horrid fate happen to you. On the off chance that things are going to go south, we suggest you spend the next few days filling up on Maine’s finest, greasiest, fattiest foods. You might need those extra calories in the coming months.
Red Velvet Donuts from Cookie Jar
One thing that is tragic about everything ceasing to exist is treats such as The Cookie Jar doughnuts will also go poof. Stuff your face with their decadent red velvet cake doughnut while you still can.
Corned Beef Hash from Hot Suppa
Heavy on the beef, never too greasy, and just the right amount of crispy to cure even the meanest hangover, there’s clearly more than one reason Hot Suppa’s corned beef hash was named “Portland’s Best Breakfast Dish” by Bon Appetit.
Breakfast Sandwich from Oh No Cafe
Oh no, the world is ending! That means this little cafe will also be destroyed by the asteroid or alien fleet or whatever fate throws at earth. Make your last meal a breakfast sandwich—more specifically their number one with prosciutto and Tabasco sauce, and you’ll go down smiling (actually, probably not).
Pork Buns from Pai Men Miyake
There are few words more sure to delight a true glutton than these two: pork and belly. Eat fatty, delicious slabs of piglet on Pai Men’s delightfully fluffy steamed buns. Dressed with mayo and pepper relish, it’s a heavenly, greasy, amazing appetizer that fills all your wildest bacon-based fantasies (admit it, you have some).
Benkay Roll from Benkay
Before all spirals into doom, head over to Benkay and grab their super fried and super good Benkay roll. It’s a whopping $10 bucks but hey are you really going to need that cash when the world goes up in flames? Didn’t think so.
A Large Order of Poutine from Duck Fat
A late-night staple in Canada, poutine has only recently become A Thing in the lower forty eight. But we’re glad we got to try this gluttonous concoction. Duck Fat’s version features french fries that have been fried in their signature substance (duck fat, duh), ooey-gooey cheese curds, and rich, meaty gravy.
The Almighty Cheesus Burger from the Great Lost Bear
When it comes to pigging out, you can’t go wrong at GLB. From the dirty wings to the buffalo mac ‘n’ cheese, they have options for every diner. However, if you want to go epic, get the Cheesus Burger. It’s a burger stuffed between two grilled cheese sandwiches with lettuce, pickles, and tomatoes. Add bacon and an egg to really clog your arteries.
Lasagna from Paciarino
Make like Garfield and fill your belly with a slab of lasagna from Paciarino, where they mix ground pork and beef with layers of handmade pasta and a thick, creamy béchamel sauce.
Mac ‘n’ Cheese from Sonny’s
Talk about comfort food. Cry your eyes out while you eat this dish and I guarantee by the end of the mix of cheese, shells, hamburger, and spice, those tears will have dried up.
Pizza from Otto’s
If you’re one of those people who could eat pizza all day everyday (like us) then it’s a given that you need to chow down on a slice of Otto’s before your impending death. It’s all about comfort in your final hours, so go with the mashed potato, bacon, and scallion slice.
Quad Burger from Nosh
Since your appearance doesn’t matter if the world ends, why not go for a quad sized burger from Nosh to swallow your feelings?
Wings from Rivalries
Okay. For real. Make sure, if it’s the last thing that you do, to get down to Rivalries, grab a beer, and get a full order of wings, and make sure to order both blue cheese and ranch dipping sauce. Their famous sweet chili wing sauce is bound to make you hope for a positive outcome.
Salted Caramel Milkshake from Po’ Boys and Pickles
If you want the best thing you ever put in your mouth on the last day you will be alive, then I would scoot down to Po’ Boy’s And Pickles for one of their flavored milkshakes, specifically the Salted Caramel. Thanks to their convenient to-go cups, you can take this with you as you run from the zombies.
And of course, these are just our favorites. Have a quibble? Know of another great place to pig out in Portland, Maine? Tell us all about it in the comments.